Waking up to the spiritual realm is something that is happening to many people these days. The process takes many forms and can lead to some very difficult experiences. In this article Laura Blewitt shares some of the challenges she has faced emerging from a life of spiritual desertification to search for healing, wholeness and wellness.
As we begin a new year, it is a good time to reflect on where I am right now. Spirituality, or for me the acknowledgement that there is something out there greater than myself; that life and meaning do not just stop at me, has always been a draw for me; and I am coming back to that realisation after periods of spiritual desertification and abandonment.
As children, we are closer to the spirit realm and have an intuitive connection to imagination, creativity and spirituality, although we often do not label our experiences as such. My early childhood was spent playing outside, exploring, living life full of curiosity and openness. I was a good student at school and I loved the learning environment but I can reflect now that I was being slowly manipulated by societal pressures to conform, even at that early age; there was no encouragement to be intuitive or spiritual.
A burden of responsibility fell on my young shoulders, at around the age of 7, when my parents decided to split up. At that time, it was not common and I felt very alone, I locked all my emotions inside and focused on the task of supporting my mum and younger brother as best I could, without the emotional maturity I so desperately needed in order to deal with what was happening. This became my blueprint; responsible, messenger, peacekeeper, the one that helped others, but I did not dare look inside. In fact, I didn’t know how; being emotionally overloaded, I retreated into logic, into my head. It was there that I felt safe and would find all the answers. Later in life, of course, my head, my refuge, my sanctuary would become a prison of my own making; somewhere I would spend a great deal of time and energy trying to escape from.
Spiritual education, events or rituals were not a big part of my life; and I think that there was a spiritual void around this time until I started to explore for myself, in my teens, through reading about horoscopes and fortune telling. Having a curious mind, I would often ask ‘big questions’ about life, meaning, purpose and why things were the way there were, and I would often be greeted with a dismissal, that I ’shouldn’t worry about those things’. Depression ran through my family and looking back, this kind of response was a way of protecting me from going down that path; and it worked for a little while.
Locking away all this emotional pain as a child, it started to surface in chaotic ways in my teens and early twenties. I got involved with a much older man, who looking back, I guess was the spiritual mentor that I was crying out for; although it turned out to be an extremely psychologically and spiritually destructive period of my life. These were the lost years, I turned off my spiritually completely (as I was told that it was nonsense by my partner), I began drinking heavily, I didn’t self-study or read a single book in nearly 8 years (although I did still manage to complete my degree), I used my creative energy to destroy myself, I was cut off from my family and friends and I became a diminished version of myself. Despite this, I was still trying to ‘save’ my partner from his own alcoholism, negativity and self-destructive behaviour, whilst running on empty. I was still that responsible, helper, healer and people-pleaser to others, whilst simultaneously turning on myself. This chaotic rollercoaster carried on for nearly 10 years.
Feeling captive in an abusive relationship, at the age of 27, I finally had the courage to leave. It came as a surprise to me when I finally said ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore’. Something had been stirred inside of me. Feeling like I had lived my life in accordance with expectations that were not my own, and not being capable of having an opinion for myself, due to years of psychological manipulation during my informative years; I had no clue who I was, what I loved, what I believed in or what my dreams were. I was completely lost, but I also felt like a blank canvas. I could finally start to be me, whoever that was.
Not knowing who I was, I started to revisit my lost years, I partied a lot, smoked, experimented with drugs, travelled, discovered my own sexuality and spirituality. At that time, I met many people who invited me to question many held beliefs about myself and the world; they encouraged me to open up; I didn’t know it at that time but I was starting the process of healing. I was still immersing myself in an extremely responsible, demanding and stressful work environment, which finally came to an explosive end. Keeping the lid on all my emotions was just too much, I started to drink heavily again just to calm my anxiety, and at that point had been battling depression for many years. I was still living someone else’s life, however, I started to realise that I was starting to break through and the old life no longer served me; although I didn’t know where I was heading.
Stepping into the unknown, I embarked on a soul-searching journey to South East Asia for a few months, going with my brother for the first three weeks, as he had a lot of travel experience. He had previously introduced me to meditation and Buddhism, however, whilst in Asia, he wanted to attend a meditation retreat; I agreed that this is something that I also wanted to try. During my travels and the time I spent in England upon my return, I read a lot and embraced the unfamiliar. This experience helped me to live in the moment, and for the first time in my life, I felt free, and I did not need to worry about money, which has been a common thread running through my life.
Coming home, I knew that I wanted to pursue something else, although I wasn’t sure what, I knew I wanted to heal and help others. The books I had read, on my travels, sparked a desire for further learning and study, which I had denied myself in my twenties. Over the next four years, I explored various different areas of study, some formally, some self-study. I was drawn to study energy healing (which I would become professionally qualified in), organic horticulture, life coaching, art, creative transformation and change; to the outside world it seemed as though I was jumping from one subject to the next, however, I knew (albeit subconsciously driven) that this was for my healing, and ultimately for the healing of others. Meditation, yoga and Reiki have really opened up the possibilities of healing myself, given me peace of mind and short term joy; I feel that I still have a long way to go, however, I am slowly putting the pieces together and I know in time that I will be able to help others.
Currently, I feel that I am at a crossroads, I know which general direction I need to head in, yet, I am so full of pain and repressed emotions, social conditioning and fear that I am getting in my own way a lot of the time. I would like this to change, however, I know I need to be patient with myself. Only recently, have I even allowed myself to feel the pain that I have locked up for a number of years; healing takes time.
I hope 2019 will be the year that I can move further past the emotional blockages, value myself, pursue my life purpose and start to feel some long-term joy in my life. Expressive art is something I have embraced recently, in the hope that it will help me with my perfectionism, control and ego-intellectualism; which are blockers for diving deeper into spirituality, healing and trusting my heart.
